The Joy of Sleep

My body basically shut down on me yesterday, protesting its lack of rest and proper nourishment. As a result, I uncharacteristically was in bed by 8:30pm and slept like a dead person until the alarm went off at 7:30 this morning. For the first time in recent memory, I woke up feeling rested and good. I am so hoping to run with this.

Crossin' the Pond

I have been waiting for this moment for many moons:

My friend Aude is getting married!!!

I met Aude in 1983 when I lived in France. She was "the premiere de la classe et la chouchoutte de la maitresse". Her best friend Stephanie used to call me "Anglaise" in the playground. But we overcame all obstacles and ended up as copines and tied for "premiere de la classe" at the end of the year. We've kept in touch ever since.

She came to Chester in 199-? (6?) for a visit and we hit it off immediately despite not having seen each other in 14 years. We were both thrilled to still enjoy each others' company as adults.

In 2001, she made her way to the Morris St. from Harvard yard and spent a week living off toast and jam with the rest of us. It was awesome yet again.

Yesterday she told me that she and her man, Matthew, have set the date! August 26th, Indre et Loire, France.

I have been anticipating this announcement for a while now. Felicidades a mi amiga!

Selfishly, I am shitting myself that next summer I will be back in France!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
I'm trying to convince my parents we should take a few weeks - maybe hit Spain, Italy.... ? Lots of time to plan and lots of reasons to save.

Currently, lots of reasons to study.

Sky is Falling

There comes a point in the night of the insomniac when you have to wonder if there is any point in trying to sleep at all. For me that point has occurred right now. I have been lying in bed for one hour and twenty minutes and i am no closer to slumber than i was at 3:33. So what to do? My brain is toast... i can feel sleep... but it's like looking at it through an aquarium or something...there it is, so bright and tangible but i just can't get my hands on it.

So do i work now? If I stay up for another hour or so, what is the point in sleeping? I will probably sleep through my second spanish tutorial of the year. So do I just stay up now? What kind of shape will i be in for my spanish test this afternoon?

Oh why do i do this to myself? It is too early in the year to be overwhelmed and justifying bad habits.

Squeezed

I had forgotten how quickly the school year gets intense. It's intense. I have a lot of work to do all of the time. A lot of work. Always. I have been better than last year at accomplishing said work. I still need to be better. I'm a little worried that school work is going to mean dropping a shift at work, which is a real drag. In any case, I am early mornings and late nights trying to fit all this stuff in and remember it.

It didn't help that I finally got my hands on a copy of No Direction Home, the Dylan biography by Martin Scorsese. I had to watch it. i don't even know what to say about it, i have to watch it again... it is awesome on a million different levels and it was a thrill to watch. Bob said some stuff about his university experience that struck a chord with me.

Anyway.

Am currently in a state of unfortunate self-induced caffeine overdose. Must sleep but am pretty sure i will be awake a little longer - thing is, i may be too jittery at this point to get any more work done. i could really use a long walk. i'll get enough of that tomorrow.

OK. well. no train of thought to hop on here.

Bad Moon Risin'

I guess it was a full moon within the past couple of days... interesting, how that affects us humans so strongly.

Lots of heavy shit going down; not necessarily heavy bad, just profound. I said I needed male energy, but have been finding strength in my girls lately. It's awesome.

I wonder who owns that moon...

You Are Not Like Me

I woke up late today, and blue. Hopefully work will pull me out of the doldrums.

It's been a crazy week, with lots of big stuff swirling in and out of my mind. I am scattered and unable to give things the space they require. I don't like to spend my time thinking about things that make me sad. But sometimes those thoughts are so persistent that they cannot be avoided; they seep into dreams and streak through random moments just enough to keep you a little on the edge.

The problem I have always had with shrinks (which was only amplified by the crazy pills), is that i don't really think it's possible to rationalize emotions. And it sort of seems to downplay the significance of chemistry. In my deeper moments, i eschew analysis (although I am incredibly guilty of it). Examining the minutiae denies the experience somewhat - the experience is, and should just be.

(though i cannot explain that in lines)

When the therapist put me on pills, I freaked out. I was very aware that such a step would mean altering the way I think. I wasn't sure i wanted to change anything about how my brain worked. I'm still not. I don't know if the pills worked or not; i was a skeptic at best. I did improve my mental health in major ways during the year that i was on them, but i have not turned my back on the crazies. People that are mad have a different perspective. It is one that places great significance on the turn of a phrase, the furtive glance, the unspoken.

I find great beauty in the layers people use for communication. At many different times in my life, my mind has been blown by nuance and subtext. I want to trust my gut.

People are fascinating. The things we do and say appear to be so random, but i wonder if they really are. We use our words carelessly, like disposable cutlery. There will always be more. The thing is, you can write something on a piece of paper and burn it. You can publish a diary on the internet and delete it. But once you have said something, it is out there. We should strive to not have those moments where we are frantic and desperate to claw our speech out of the air and force it back down our throats. You can't take back the things you say, no matter how often you apologize for them.

Everybody has a story to tell.

That Old Chestnut

Fuck man, there is nothing like a night on the town with the girls.

Kick Start the Weekend

Well the first week of school is over and done with. I know what I am dealing with, and if I perservere, I should have no difficulty. Although I'd better be a lot closer to bilingual by Monday, that's for sure.

Tonight is Gabe's welcome home show at Tribeca. I'm pretty psyched, I think it's going to be dandy.

I love discovering Bob when he is the most relevant. I have neglected him, he is also welcomed back.

Back on Dry Land

Off to watch Bridget Jones 2. I love downloading movies on the laptop.

Tomorrow is study day. I will be bilingual by lunchtime.

Fresh Air

i am going to excel at school this year.

Knocked Out Loaded

I had forgotten how much Gabe makes me laugh. It's cool to have him back in town.

If there's an original thought out there, i could use it right about now.

Kinship

It's powerful, how the Family is connected.

Last night was the apex of a few very emotionally charged and stressful few days for me. I need to figure out how to get people to respect my space when i tell them that there is no room for them in it. I was filled with rage and unwelcome guests yesterday in a time when i needed sanctuary and a nap to make up for the 2 hours of sleep i managed to squeeze in the night before.

Lack of sleep and an abundance of worry exploded into an anger filled cry-fest which seemed silly at the time but really got some bad stuff out of my system. i think.

Everything became confusing over the past few days, intertwined in my mind, and my inner turmoil differed greatly in topic from the turmoil that stirred the pot. Surprise!! I thought I had fixed some stuff that maybe is not so fixed - and i'm not talking about what you think i'm talking about either.

Gotta go back to work.

I NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF.

Trouble

There is trouble everywhere. Some you hear about, some you don't. I think about troublesome things a lot, although i don't discuss them often. Sometimes i feel like ignorance is bliss. I am not, however, ignorant.

Lots of people are worried sick. The phone lines are buzzing with distress.

Be okay.

School

I just read the course outlines for 2 of my 4 classes. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am determined not to fuck up.

Which means if you thought i was a hermit before, wait till you don't see me at all for the next 4 months. To tell you the truth, i'm kind of excited.

Silently Sitting in Corners

and then everything went back to normal.

Haunted

The knot in my stomach has nothing to do with me, but that hasn't stopped my eyes from filling up with water.

Peace.

R&R

R&R means many things to me. The first is Rock n' Roll.

The second, almost as important, is Rest & Relaxation.

I booked a week off work in anticipation of Stones mania & the need to get organized for school. I agreed to break up my week off and work tomorrow because they were desperate at the ASS.

Now Wednesday is my last day off before school starts, and I still have a lot to do. So forgive me for being a little anti-social. Once I get into the swing of things, my free time will be open to everyone.

Stones Crowd Overhead

Stones Crowd Overhead
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

Here's an idea of where we were sitting. (dot marked by red arrow). It was far back, but that did not detract at all. When we arrived at the site around 2:30pm, the volume of people was a bit less than you see here, but the front area in front of the stage was already packed. The sound where we were was excellent. One thing that really gave an indication of our distance from the stage was the audio/video delay. It was a few seconds until the audio portion reached us. I walked down a little closer for the Stones' entrance and the view was actually worse.

High Heeled Sneakers

Stones on Fire
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

This photo gives a pretty good idea of what the Stones show was like yesterday.

It was amazing.

I am awed by the experience, and have nothing to say. I am hushed in profound moments. It was so so so so good.

You can see photos i have pirated from various locations on the internet by visiting my flickr site.

New Orleans is Sinking

It blows my mind that New Orleans is actually sort-of sinking. I just can't imagine what it's like to be down there, but i gotta say i am glad i had the chance to go there because i think it is going to take a looooooonnnnnng time for them to bounce back from Katrina.

The wound on my knee is still seeping vast quantities of pus. It's disgusting. I am wondering if i need to see a doctor about this at some point. I'll see how it's going on Friday.

I am going to the Stones. I think Rachael is coming with me (why didn't I think of her sooner?). I may even have found us a place to sleep.

Gabe's in NS. I'm gonna go see him on Friday afternoon, i think. I am excited and also just a wee little bit apprehensive. I am focusing on the possy aspects of it and not thinking about old demons that could cloud my judgment.

Could and cloud look weird side by side up there.

One week from tonight it will be a school night! Bring it on!!!